I Didn’t know I Was Black!

What it Means

I grew up amongst a black majority and therefore I never had the opportunity to be sensitized to the color of my skin. I came to the United States to realize what it meant and I had to go through a journey of self reflection to realize and empathize with the pain of my ancestors and the ancestors of all others who have suffered greatly at the hands of others.

The Journey

I remember watching documentaries about slavery, segregation, and the Jim Crow era and weeping uncontrollably and helplessly. I had no hope. I had nowhere to turn for a solution. All I could do was live in pent up anger and frustration. It was destroying me yet no one could fix it except me. I had to go through a healing journey. My heart was wrenched and twisted and I did not know how it got that way or how to untangle it.

All I could do was live in pent up anger and frustration. It was destroying me yet no one could fix it except me.

The Transformation

The year was 2003. I remember confiding deeply in my Communication professor, a white woman, about how I felt. I remember her wise yet cautious words. I remember her ability to lead me into seeing what I couldn’t see. I remember her getting me into an all white fraternity. She wasn’t looking to force me into something but rather to help me see something.

I remember showing up at a church picnic months later and seeing people of both races and various ages and seeing what God wanted me to see. I remember allowing God to heal my broken places. I remember allowing myself to forgive and to see God’s design. I remember acknowledging that suffering is a part of life and some get it worse than others. I remember identifying deeply with the suffering of Christ. I remember reconciling myself with the cross.

This was a significant time.

Here we are, 17 years later and when I look at the situations we’re facing today – Armaud Arbery and George Floyd in particular – I am forced to examine my 20 year old self. I no longer carry the innocence I had back then. I no longer walk in ignorance of my race or the possible implications of it in society. I live in a much better reality. Freedom!

True Freedom

I live free from the accusation that I am less than anyone OR better than anyone else because of my skin color. I live free from the pain and fear of oppression. I live free from fear of law enforcement. I live free from fear of death, even unlawfully. I live free from fear of discrimination. I live free from fear of being hated, despised, abused, vilified, tormented, mistreated, distrusted, condemned, or even killed.

It was a long walk to freedom. I had to forgive and I had to heal. I had to internalize what happened to me and release it. I’m saying I did it yet I know for a fact I couldn’t do it. I know that ‘Christ in me is my only hope of glory’ – Col. 1:27. He did it because I allowed Him to.

I’m saying I did it yet I know for a fact I couldn’t do it. I know that ‘Christ in me is my only hope of glory.’

See, in 2003, I got born again and filled with the Holy Spirit. This has made all the difference in me. I can see clearly. I hear correctly. Even when things are murky and dull, I know I can wade through the darkness, find Christ, and see from His perspective. I no longer live in fear. I live in freedom. This freedom only comes from the knowledge of Christ.

When you see me not losing my mind over politics, police brutality, COVID-19 shutdowns, or any other social mis-norma, it’s not because I am ignorant or oblivious. It’s not even because I don’t know what to say. There’s a lot I can and have to say. The scars on my back tell their own story yet I don’t let you see them. They’re healed. I work to find the God perspective in every situation and once I see it, I have the freedom to say something or do something.

Will you know Him today? Will you ask Him how to deal with injustice? Will you give Him a chance to give you the healing balm? Will you let Him heal you and take away the fear? He knows because He endured injustice and conquered it.

There is no fear in love…He who fears has not been perfected in love – 1 John 4:18

Love covers a multitude of sin – 1 Peter 4:8

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and sound judgment – 2 Tim 1:7

In life, we’re guaranteed to face pain and suffering but Jesus gently tells us, ‘fear not, I have overcome the world.‘ Let us overcome the world and not let the blood of those who have died unjustly create more death, hate, and apathy.

‘Whom the Son sets free is free indeed’ – John 8:36…Let us be set free from the bondage of racial sin so we can focus on freeing others to the glory of His name.